Music Used to be Safe | Recovery

Last time I went to a concert was April 14, 2017. It was two days prior to my stepping into Recovery. I arrived to Day 1 of Coachella. I had prepped all week = minimal eating. My shorts, baggy + falling off of me. I saw my reflection in one of the store front windows + thought, damn I look really thin. At first terrified, my fear quickly turned into satisfaction.
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I skipped breakfast. Grabbed a couple of chips for lunch + skipped dinner. My sister kept saying - please eat. I grabbed a beer. Then a vodka soda. Not going to drink that much today, I kept thinking. That didn’t last long. I felt on fire as I took a selfie in the mirror. Swimming comfortably in my tipsiness + thinness, I smirked at my reflection: hi, you look good...you’re ready to move your body. I felt lightheaded but thought nothing of it. An acquaintance asked if I wanted to share a cigarette. I don’t really smoke. I said, me neither. Only when I drink. Which was more often than not.
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The next morning I woke up hungover. I refused to eat. I started chugging water. My skin felt dry + tight. I’m fine. I’ve got this. I stepped outside. Sitting by the pool I felt a wave of horror coming over me. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. Another migraine. Food. I need it. Fuck why didn’t I eat before. Too late. Hospital ridden again. Heart barely beating. Reality sunk in. I’m not well. I started crying. I did this to myself. It’s all on me.
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The next day I packed my bags + flew home. With the flight another migraine came. Another hospitalization. The one that pierced through me causing me to step into Recovery.
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Today is 8 MONTHS. Last night as I experienced my first concert in my new way of living, fear came over me. What if what if. What if I get a migraine. What if I collapse from the lights, the sound, the heat. What if I can’t handle it? But I kept returning to my breath. Breathe in. Breathe out. Okay, I’m good. My thoughts came back to my BEing. I’ve got this. I can do it.
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Five minutes remaining in the concert, close to the finish line, I finally moved my body. Little hip movements, clapping my hands, shaking my shoulders. Oh hi me. You’re still there. Nice to see you again. Small steps. Big Fucking Wins.