What I’ve not talked about in a while is my ED. On purpose. I needed some separation from it to stay on the right path of my newly adjusted life. As I near my 2-year mark of Recovery, it feels right that I share some things.
.
Confidence, in general, is an accumulation of tiny, little things laid out row by row in the pursuit of building a strong foundation. Body Confidence is a totally different animal in that Body Dysmorphia plays a very heavy role. It sees what it wants to see. It’s not based on facts. So, if it believes you to be GROSS, you are.
.
When I look back on some of my older images of unbearable thinness, I can now see just how THIN I was. Yet, then, I thought myself quite large. You see, the heaviness is the accumulation of unprocessed trauma + pain, seeded deeply in the fiber of one’s body. It, too, like confidence, accumulates. Over time, it eats up all the allotted space for Confidence, eventually squeezing it out completely. Leaving the ED person w/little flesh + little ground to stand on.
.
The first 18 months of my Recovery were dedicated to getting my health back on track. The remaining months have been to solidify a new perspective. I am still GREEN. I do have moments of total FEAR. What if I can’t do this? What if I can’t be normal? What if I go back? What if I can’t process through all my trauma? What if I’m TOO BIG.
.
My goal has been to quiet down this voice + to louden the voice of CONFIDENCE. How? By changing my perspective. By not focusing on the way that I look per say, but on the way that I FEEL, + on what the labs show. MY INTERNAL HEALTH. MY INTERNAL GLOW. Which then Surfaces on the outside.
.
In recent weeks, many of you have written saying “Alyonka, you are glowing. You look so healthy!”. What I know is that it’s not a comment on my physical looks. Perhaps, but not REALLY. What you’re seeing is that my BODY, my ORGANS, + my BRAIN are beginning to reap the rewards of all of my hard work. To STAY in Recovery. To be HEALTHY. To remain ALIVE.
.
So confidence - my newfound confidence - is an accumulation of the pieces I CONSCIOUSLY CHOSE to stack in the building of my foundation.