Recently, I’ve been finding shows online questioning identity. Cultural identity, to be specific. @hasanminhaj questions being Indian on Netflix’s The Patriot Act. @yelmjouie speaks on being an Iranian American on AJ+. @orelireshka_official travels the globe on a budget. Looking back on the late, great @anthonybourdain , The Godfather of cultural conversation + storytelling. We could say I’ve been finding these, but we could say they’ve been finding me. It’s time 🙃
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It’s bc I too stand here questioning: am I Russian or American? Or, can I be both? + where do I “fit in”? + do I need to? Or, can I belong to my own Self? + what about Roots? Are mine not buried deep in the soil of Russia? Can I then claim Russia as my own? But what of all my memories + experiences, the better of 29 years in the States? Where do I stand + do I need to stand anywhere?
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In 5 months of Moscow, I’ve found myself reunited with my 10/11/12 y.o. self. A spectacle-laden, brown-haired, skinny nerd speaking in two languages, bouncing from one to the other as I switched my worlds. Russian at the Joe Louis Arena in my Father’s hockey world. American at DCDS Junior School in my classmates world.
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It was a tricky balance. Exhausting, at times. I appeased all, never wanting to miss out on an opportunity for each door to open slightly more ajar. I wanted IN! I wanted to be seen. To belong. To be part of a community; one of the people.
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Too many times I’d say “yes” when I didn’t want to, + “no” when I shouldn’t have. I’d hide my pride for my country in favor for another. I tossed my Russian to become an American — I needed to survive.
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Now. At 31. Twenty years later. I’m on the other side. Responding instead of reacting. Figuring myself out on the inside before I identify. While biding my time, I’m observing, learning, listening. I take it ALL in. Then apply. I’m in no rush to get to any conclusions. In no need to take sides. I’m ME + that feels right.
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But the shows..the producer + host in me. I’m itching. Writing. Dreaming. Storyboarding. Taking meetings. To tell my side of the story. cc @thatssolaven you in?