I’m not posting this bc “omg look I’m dancing at a social engagement,” but bc OMG LOOK IM DANCING AT A SOCIAL ENGAGEMENT + literally a month ago this was an unthinkable proposition.
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Okay, thinkable, as in I’d consider the idea as my friends suggested that perhaps this time it would be different, that my body was finally healed. The lights, the music, the crowds of people, the heat, the chaotic energy of it all pushed + pulled at my frail nervous system. Even when I tried to show up to most anything I’d quickly back out. That is, IF I showed up at all. My philosophy was that I’d rather be safe than sorry, + I didn’t want to be THAT person with a frown on my face. I was broken, narrated my story + I gladly played my part.
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It was ALL fear + a lot of listening to my body. I just wasn’t ready to do anything more than what I considered to be safe. @estipop can attest. The many times we’d want to do anything more than water + snacks @ my House, + I couldn’t. Or when @tcholdridge + I had to cut our walks short bc of the heat. Or when I’d have to hibernate during the days of the Tel Aviv heat while visiting @emilylaurenrubenstein . + every other time I’d have to say to my D,K, L — “sorry, I can’t. I’m gonna stay in.” Not just for the nights out but during the days + for birthdays + dinners + walks + talks. My body just couldn’t do it. It would break every single time even though I was in the process of healing. It was SO easy to give up but I kept doing the every day mundane, waiting for my body + mind to catch up.
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SO. THIS VIDEO. 21 months in. Nearing my 2 year anniversary of my Recovery.. IT FEELS FUCKING GOOD. To move. To dance. To smile. To celebrate. To do all the little “trivial” things that make life worth every single difficult day I’ve had to battle since April 2017.
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The cherry on top? THE WORK. The immense work I did + continue doing on myself in order to keep on a path of healing, betterment, self-actualisation + in aid to others. Its always mine to keep!
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It’s all TIMING, PATIENCE + TRUSTING THE PROCESS. I wouldn’t trade the lowest of lows for anything. They’ve made me who I am + continue to become. BEAMING: Of Love, In Love.